Dreams .

I know I’m not a lucid dreamer or any sort, but I guess I do have that bit of flair for remembering my dreams. And I usually write them down if I liked those dreams.

But I guess the past two dreams, more like nightmares actually, is worth me penning them down.

So yep the first one was a dream I had this morning… I heard this somewhere before, something about dreams only occurring when you’re sleeping light. So I guess having a dream in the morning before I was gonna wake up is logical? Anyway, it was some sort of chasing dream. So I was having dinner with this bunch of unrecognized people in my dreams, who seemed to be my friends. And somehow I guess someone was too egoistic and he pissed me off (?) so I just stood up and walked away. The walk turned into some holy crap chase when everyone came out looking for me. Good or bad intentions, I don’t know. I just ran. I ran around in circles and hid myself hoping they couldn’t find me. A few times I nearly got caught or when I got spotted I always managed to slip away. So you know, a dream usually ends when the dreamer gets caught, and so did mine. I guess some unexpected dude I’ve never seen throughout the whole dream appeared and caught me. And yeah I woke up. Maybe I died. Who knows. Can’t really track my dream right?

And oh which reminds me, why am I always the one being chased after in my dreams can I not be the chaser or even the killer for once? Pfft. I should research on how I can be a chaser in my dream instead of the one being chased.

Anyways, the second dream wasn’t… a dream I guess? A semi-dream? It was probably sleep paralysis. Like those kind of dreams where you try to wake up from but you can’t move and you think you’re opening your eyes and you’re waking up but actually you’re still sleeping? Yep those. Just had it today. An hour ago. They said 2 out of 100 would experience that. I guess I’m just unlucky to be among that two. But it puzzles me though. Like, I had those in the past too, not too often, but it wasn’t as scary as this one. And I thought sleep paralysis only happens when one is really tired? I’m on my holidays, and all I do is to watch dramas at home? How is it possible that I was tired? Don’t understand. But this one is probably my worst sleeping experience. And I really don’t want to experience it again. Anymore.

I thought I was literally going to die in my sleep and not get out of it ever.

This dream (?) started off as a proper dream as far as I remember. I was some sort of police and I was in a hospital visiting my friend/colleague who was injured. Then I found this piece of paper which seemed to be very useful for I don’t even know what. And everything just stopped there? Like the next thing I remembered was probably me holding that piece of paper lying on my own bed. I was awake, supposedly. And this was the beginning of the sleep paralysis horrible experience. First, I thought I was awake. But I wasn’t. But in my mind I thought I had to see this magical paper that came to “reality” from my dream. And then, I realized I couldn’t move. So that was when I realized I wasn’t actually awake. So I tried really hard to move and all, and I tried to wake up for real by forcing open my eyes. And it opened. But I wasn’t awake. The feeling was like inception? You just, keep waking up in your dreams, like all the dreams were overlapping each other. So yeah I opened my eyes (I was still dreaming, kind of) and I still couldn’t move, and I called for help to my mum, but I felt like I was so soft no one could hear me. So I tried flipping myself down my bed so I could feel pain and wake up, Flipped (in my dream), but still not awake in reality. So this happened like at least 10 times with all different methods of me trying to wake myself up. I remember a few more but nah its boring and ridiculous not gonna write every method and process down. But it was, really horrible. I thought I wasn’t going to get out of it and no matter how I called out how I forced open my eyes I was still in there. I had past experiences of it too but none was as long as this one? When I finally woke up for real, I just wobbled myself out to the living room and sat there, making sure I wasn’t gonna fall back asleep and into that shit again.

I Googled it a little when I finally snapped out of my shock because I was curious if sleep paralysis can really kill me. Most sites said no, but one of them said that it could, but unlikely to happen most of the time. I also came across this info about how sleep paralysis usually lasted 3-5mins but hell no I was sure my new fresh experience was far more than 5mins. Freaky shit. Napped for about two hours and I felt like I died for two hours. The aftereffect was even more horrible. I was telling my friend about it and wondering if they are real people or was I still dreaming.

And I guess that’s about it. Just felt like penning down this horrible experience. The first dream was nothing, the sleep paralysis was the real deal. Really, I don’t want to experience that ever again. Give me a hundred nightmares and I would still prefer them over one experience of sleep paralysis.  

My friend just reminded me of a really scary thing – graduation. 

The thing is that I don’t even have the slightest idea what I’d like to study after graduation, or even if I want to continue studying or not. I think my worst problem is not even about whether the courses I’d apply for takes me or not, but more like I don’t even know what I want? It’s so upsetting omg 19 years of my life and I’m still down here searching for the aim of my life. Do I want to go out and work now? Honestly I wouldn’t mind, but getting stuck teaching for the rest of my life, pretty sure I won’t be able to take it. I wouldn’t continue my current course of study if I have a choice, but I have no where else to go? I have less than 3 months to figure out my own future which I have been thinking of for almost 20 years and I can’t even see it and I would probably sink back into that pile of suicidal crap if I ever make the wrong choices again. 

This is the most stressful shit ever. 

If You’re Intending to Judge, Just Scroll Past this, Please .

I do admit that I actually judge myself for everything I’ve done so far. It doesn’t really make sense that someone would do this already, not to mention for a period as long as four years. I know its really nonsense, but I justified myself so well I couldn’t help thinking that this is not wrong. If you want your heart to stop hurting, then you make elsewhere hurt. One for one exchange, fair enough?

Its not like I actually love to torture myself or what, I just prefer to hurt myself as compared to letting others hurt me. Yeah you know everyone needs to love themselves and all, I am loving myself, by making pain hurt lesser. Okay guess what, this post sounds so sick I can’t even continue, let’s just move on already.

So yep, thinking of giving up already. When someone doesn’t even care and you care too much, you know shit’s down. I never expected myself to become like this one day either. What was once my most prized possession became the poison that nearly killed me. Losing sleep for me sounds so darn ridiculous, but hey, I’m still up just because of that. And I know I really need to get my shit together and start focusing on the right things. Priorities~ Question is, when am I going to truly be able to let go off all that’s happened and start looking straight at the right things, the things that have always been waving to me, only that I was blind enough to go the wrong way?

Honestly, I don’t know either. 

This is painful. 

I thought I was done and over with it but there are still times I feel pain, upset, hurt and all. And I don’t get it. I really thought I was done. I thought that it was okay. Like, we all knew it would come to this, isn’t it? Everyone reminded me, warned me, told me it was deep shit I was getting into, but I walked into this damned trap anyway. End of the day, I only have myself to blame. 

I kind of hate it. How I still stalk everything, how I still get bothered about whatever that was once said, how the other party actually looks so fine while I’m still freaking hurting this bad. Funny thing is that, I actually fell at the same place twice. T W I C E. It’s totally like how my brother puts it: Get back to the place where you once fell down at, and fall down again once more. But this shall be the last time okay, I swear. There will never be a third. Once bitten, twice shy. Do it again, then you’re just pure dumb. 

LDR .

Honestly, I’m getting more and more discouraged. It’s not that I have no confidence in myself or him, more like I have no confidence in all the possible problems we might just face. Language barrier, distance, and a lot more problems that might freaking arise if this goes on. I don’t know what to do anymore. It gets awkward at times even. 

Not to mention I just created a mess. 

He says its okay, I said it was okay, but who knows if it really is. I know I like him, I really do, but the stupid issues we get tangled into and the fact that we can’t even tackle them properly. I feel so fail at times. And I feel so bad that I make him guilty when I make mistakes. He thinks its his fault but it’s not. I feel like such a horrible person I can cry now.

I’m so mean I don’t even deserve to be in love .

Day 2 :)

Today was kind of boring lol. We crashed their classes only to walk around and look at them do their work. But hey we helped them with their role-play script hehehe. A pity I can’t get to watch it tomorrow :< For F&E we got combined with one other group. Not that I minded, but there was just someone I really didn’t want to hang out with in the other group so 😦

Anyway, we went to some nearby hawker centre to grab dinner again, because time was so tight we couldn’t go anywhere further in case they couldn’t make it back to their hostel on time (and we will get scolded). They ordered quite little and I was so worried they’d get hungry later at night so I just kept buying food for them. I stuffed them to a point even I felt full sharing those food we got. 😀 Mission accomplished. We headed back to the hostel area super early because there was really nothing much to do after eating, so we went to this mall near their hostel and split our ways to go and buy necessities/drinks. So me and my friend decided to follow our two closer ones again to get Starbucks! But lol, the coffee they ordered wasn’t really to my liking so when I tasted it I just shook my head. BUT I FELT SO BAD AFTER THAT because one of them said sorry to me because I didn’t like it. :c Sorry for not liking it too. So we went to meet up with the rest, had the drink everyone hated except me (HAHAHAHAHA) and went back to the hostel.

As usual, back in hostel, find random area to sit down, start chatting. We talked about food we ate back at the hawker centre, played games etc it was so fun lol. Not the games part but more like, seeing them laugh made me laugh too. Oh and not forgetting the $2 issue that continued till today and I’m not sure if they are going to give up LOL.

Today reminded me a lot about the previous batch. :C Sighs. It’s not that this batch was no fun or what, they are honestly so nice and awesome and I have like 1234567890 good things to say about them, but… Maybe it was true when they said the first time is always the best. The feeling was just too different back then. All the inside jokes, games, random talks we had… Totally fabulous.   

Day 1~

A year has passed since that event, and I never expected myself to join again this year because the previous one was really… Lots of tears, lots of unpleasant feelings etc etc. And it was super tiring I had to wake up at 6am and reach home at 11pm for almost 2 straight weeks -.- But here am I feeling really good about today n_n I kind of wanted to note everything down since it felt like really good memories and nope does not want to forget them in case I get some sudden dementia/amnesia or anything. Heheh.

So, today started off with this //receiving// the guests/foreigners/dudes/whatever I want to call them like usual. We got them to the lecture hall and started listening to all the talks by organizers blah blah blah. After that came the standard things we always do to introduce ourselves – ice-breaking games ^-^ It was surprisingly not as lame as I thought lol. Like we had the “Arrange yourselves according to birthdays” and the “Write something about yourself and let other people guess your identity when everyone finished writing” game. It was pretty awesome considering that there were a lot of laughter and all. Oh but did I mention I got annoyed when they decided to rank us according to height after the birthday ones were done? PFFT.

Anyways, we went back to the lecture hall and had some cultural presentation from representatives of both parties. “IT WAS REALLY REALLY COOL.” Okay only those people who listened during the presentation can get this joke lol. I wasn’t exactly listening cause it was really boring for me so k bye I shall skip this part.

NEXTTTT we had this short free time since the presentations ended much earlier than expected. We hung around for a bit, being awkward and all before deciding that we were going to split into two groups and play games. I don’t really remember what the other group played but for my side, we taught them how to play heart attack and the “Give me tempo” game lol. WELL WE HONESTLY DIDN’T HAVE MUCH IDEA ON WHAT TO PLAY SINCE THE TEACHING PART WAS ALREADY DIFFICULT ENOUGH BECAUSE LANGUAGE BARRIER. But nonetheless, we had fun ^^ We headed for lunch straight after playing for like what, half an hour? We had this really weird game on after lunch where we had to complete like n number of missions, earn points and get prize. There were missions like uhm, “Plank on the stairs”, “Go to Macs and ask for two piece chicken, then zinger burger, then ask why they don’t have anything” etc etc. We lost anyway but who cares we really had fun LOL. (We even took all seven of them into the library lol don’t ask how).

So, the fun part. FREE AND EASYYYYY. Due to the silly time constraint, we just brought them out to nearby for dinner and being the very smart and lucky me, somehow I got to sit down with my fav of that group teehee. I had no idea when he became my fav but he just reminded me of someone from the previous year so much it was so hard for me to neglect him. I SHALL NAME HIM DUDE A BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT TO SAY ABOUT HIM. So each of us had to bring one of them to buy food because you know foreigners and we are supposed to be great hosts and all. And of course, I brought my dude A. LOL. I honestly think I’m starting to have this teacherly instincts and habits that I had to watch them get their food, go back to our tables, before I could feel relieved and go get my own food lol. It was kind of awkward during the dinner lol me and my friend had no idea what to say to them and we couldn’t understand 99.9% of what they were talking about so we just talked among ourselves and they talked among themselves. But I panicked quite a few times when I realized some of them went missing lol, but turns out that they were just heading for the washroom. I BLAME MY TEACHERLY INSTINCTS.

Anyway, we went to the arcade after dinner. Spontaneous decision. They just walked passed it and decided to go in. So my friend and I got them a card and let them play whatever they wanted. We started off with the air hockey game, and I HAD NO IDEA WHY OUR SIDE KEPT LOSING TO THEM. Or maybe I just sucked at the game. LOL. Somehow somewhat our group got split again, and I was following A. Again. I think I’m so biased ide. So we went off to play this gun game. Like, the kind where you sit in the car and a lot of bloody images come on? Yep those. I was just sitting down with my friend cause she’s playing and well, I freaked out the moment the game started. Too not suited for bloody images. Not to mention the chair was freaking vibrating as well when the monsters appeared. So I got like freaked out for about three times? And A was really nice he kept asking if I was okay n_n But he’s worrying too much because the images was quite funny to me besides being bloody. So after that, we went to play the basketball machine! A’s friend sabotaged him and said that he was a good basketballer. But he did really suck in the beginning, but he got better hehehe. He was really nice to pass me a ball to shoot when he realized I wasn’t playing at all :’) We had another game at the air hockey and yep I still lost anyways~ but never mind I was really happy 😀 But the second wave of panic struck me when I saw A walking off alone. I figured he was heading for the washroom but TEACHERLY INSTINCTS. I wasn’t intending to let him go alone so I decided to follow, but it doesn’t sound right if I did so the other guy from our side went instead. So once everyone was back, we decided to send them back to their hostel.

We reached their hostel area quite early so we took them to get some breakfast for the next day. So everyone was getting their food and all, and I suddenly saw A queuing up alone at the cashier to pay. As usual, my instincts didn’t feel safe to let him do it alone so I went up to him. After he paid, we stood outside to wait for the rest. Me, being so awkward, had no idea what to say to him so I kept quiet. But he started to talk to me and asked me if I was scared back at the arcade. Oops. Okay so I said I was, but I liked it. (Sorry I’m so contradictory?) He even thanked me for today lol like what did I do I wasn’t the one who made it interesting? It was really a good feeling though, seeing him initiating conversations like that when I was supposed to be the host doing that 🙂 And then there was the $2 story WHICH I’M TOO TIRED TO TALK ABOUT. 

But in any case, I guess I would say that this current group is really nice and fun, but it’ll never give me the same feelings as how the previous batch did anymore. The previous batch… lol I will seriously cry talking about them. And I miss them like hell. There was a special someone back then and the sense of happiness I felt was really really different from now. But what? It ended all after two weeks right? I ask myself what’s the point of missing them like that, but the memories they gave was really priceless. But it’s never gonna happen again.

Okay wait what no I wasn’t supposed to end it like that but hey I’m just posting this for fun because I felt like sharing it and I’ll probably try to do this every night for the next two weeks 😀 Memories, you know~  

  

After .

MP ended now, and I suddenly have too much free time on hand. Not like I don’t enjoy it or anything, in fact, I think I like this. Sleeping till 11 every morning without stress of work, being able to catch up on all the shows I’ve missed out for the past three months, not needing to meet up and get angry or frustrated over projects or stupid things etc etc. I was literally basked in happiness the three straight days after MP ended and it felt good. I finally found that kind of feeling back again after being deprived of vacations for almost one year.

But something is lacking. I think it’s probably just me. But I still feel that something is not right. Is it lacking an aim in life now? Or is it some other problems that I can’t even spell it out properly? Not sure. I have been thinking of this for the whole day and I still don’t get what’s wrong.

I guess that’s the problem with me. Forever overthinking issues, forever doing redundant things like that, and always overly sensitive. I think so much, and I don’t dare to confirm my suspicions with others. I have a lot of things I need to say to people, but I just can’t seem to find the courage for it. Always afraid of what may come after all the ‘being honest’ with each other. Will I get judged? Will they hate me for it? Maybe originally there was really no problem, but what if my questions create a problem? So many what ifs that makes life and honesty so hard for me. How do I handle this? Sometimes I really think that I only need a hug from my friends and tell me that they won’t judge me for anything, and I can tell them everything. I treat everyone the way I hope to get treated by them, but not everyone/everything is reciprocal, and that sucks, really.

I’m supposed to feel happy since my 6 week worth of holidays just started. But why am I being like this now. I shall chant “do not overthink” and “it’s okay don’t get bothered” everyday from now on. lol. 

 

Too much to say, Too lost to start.

I think.. I have a lot of things on mind and I can’t exactly share this out with anyone because I lack expression skills or whatsoever. But just let me try penning it down here. Maybe it’ll be better for me.

So, first up. Done with final submission! Yayz! Yeah, that should be my reaction right? But no. I feel.. so emotionless. Like, oh its done? Okay what’s next? This doesn’t really make sense. I thought I would be super happy feeling euphoric and all positive emotions since I’ve been basically DYING to get past this phase. Some tell me maybe it’s because the presentation isn’t over that I don’t feel happy. Maybe. Just maybe. Presentation? LOL I don’t even have the slightest idea what I’m going to do. But that’s the least of my concerns right now. It will come, it has to come. Even if I fail everything at the end of the day, no one really bothers. So why should I. I’m so prepared to let my GPA go with the wind because I know I suck at presentation and I know no one’s gonna help me and yeah I kinda think that the teacher hates me so never mind. Just, live today and worry about tomorrow when it comes. 

Okay. Next. Moody girl is feeling really moody today. I feel like I’m worrying a lot about money these days and I have no idea why. I’m never the sort to start worrying and planning for the future and get all panicky when I see myself being so poor. Saving up for a rainy day? Nope that’s not me and 90% of the people at my age probably fail at that one too. Come to think of it, I don’t really have much areas that I spend on either, its just daily life, fandoms, and maybe some shopping (well, girls need clothes you know). If I just curb self a little bit more on everything, I’ll… probably be able to get past my teen life well. I can work too, just a little bit lazy. Yeah, so I have no idea why I’m worrying about money either. This whole lot sounds like crap to myself already.

Hmm. Here’s the thing I’m most worried about: future. What is a future to me ? Ideally, it would be like me doing something I really really like, and having super nice colleagues who can totally be my best friends and it’s like I’ll be looking forward to work every single day life is so perfect etc etc. But you know, you don’t always get everything you want in life. This thing we all call life actually sucks big time. Honestly, I don’t even know where my future lies. I know it would be really unlikely for me to continue my major right now as my main career in the future lol because I would probably want to commit suicide if that’s the case. But… I have no idea what to do anymore. I don’t know what makes me happy. I know I won’t be able to achieve what I think will make me happy. Heck, I really want to get out of this place and go to somewhere far to start afresh/strike out on my own. But can I really make it? The uncertainties in life really kills me at times. Feels so bad knowing that I have no goals of my own at my age actually. lol.

Oh yeah right, this is life. SIGHS.  

Memories

I have to get this off my mind. Somehow I know I need to pen it down before I can chill out and forget everything.

This happened like what, 5 or 6 years ago? but even up till now I can still feel the pain in me. It changed my whole perception of life, of friends. Because of that incident, I started to have trust issues. I even have problems trusting my close friends. I’m weak okay. I’m afraid. Afraid that my best friends would leave me. Like how they did. 

Whenever I see her name, I get scared. I don’t know, it’s like some kind of phobia for a person. Not just anyone, but her. I start freaking out, wondering if my friends would choose her over me, would like her more, would want to be friends with her and find me annoying and ignore me like how they did last time. I know it wasn’t entirely her fault, but it doesn’t make me feel better seeing my best friends, well we were best friends then, hanging out with her and still so close to her even up till now. What makes me most afraid, is that deep in me, probably even I myself thinks she’s better than me, and people are going to choose her over me. I feel damn useless but I’m stuck there. I can’t erase this memory. 

I bet she has forgotten this whole issue already. It’s only me who is stuck in the past. And the worst thing is, I can’t do shit about it. Can’t forget, can’t stop myself from getting all sensitive whenever I see her name. 

I am so fucking useless.